The Taming of the Shrew-Abridged
by JME2
Summary: Just a little something I did back in high school for my English class. Please review this humorous epic!


The Taming of the Shrew: Abridged  
  
(Trent enters upon stage. Everyone will have English accents)  
  
Trent: And now for something completely different. Its William Shakespeare's Flying   
Theater!  
  
Shakespeare: Good evening. I am William Shakespeare.  
  
Trent: Are you sure?  
  
Shakespeare: Quite. I am here today through the work of time travel. Now, I am   
considered one of the greatest writers of all time. Well, I was in my day. In this new   
millennium, no one understands the "Thou this" and "Thy that" quotes. Which is why I'd   
like to show you how I've tried to modernize my plays. So, without further adieu I give   
you, The Taming of The Shrew- the Writer's cut...  
  
Trent: Hope this is worth my being here. Oh, hello. Allow myself to introduce…myself. I   
am Trent, an American Elizabethan writer trying to prove that my plays were stolen by   
Willy here,-  
  
Shakespeare: Quiet, or I'll call in the Italians...(reads in book) In the fair city of Verona,   
lived a wealth mobster-er...business man named Baptista...  
  
Baptista: No one is more supreme than the Italian godfather. I also go by the names Al   
Pachino and-  
  
Trent: Silence. Did you do this to him?  
  
Shakespeare: My mistake for watching The Soprano and Dick Tracy…And he had two   
daughters, the younger one, Bianca, being a lovely teen of the day...  
  
Bianca: (comes in, acting like a valley girl) Oh, I cannot totally wait to get that, like,   
totally new pair of platform shoes  
  
Shakespeare: ...Why didn't I just model her after Princess Diana? Anyway, but his older   
daughter, Katherine,(interrupted by Gremio)-  
  
Gremio: Flee, run, come no further. Do not woo Baptista's daughter Katherine For death   
awaits you all with nasty big pointy teeth! She's a shrew!! But do keep your eyes on   
Bianca, yowsa!!  
  
Lucentio: (entering): Oh, what an eccentric performance!  
  
Shakespeare: I knew it was a mistake to portray that old fart as a lustful coward. Oh   
really, it can't be that bad; I didn't rewrite Katherine's character. (walks off)  
  
Trent: And you might be?  
  
Lucentio: I am-  
  
Tent: No, no wait, don't tell me: Mr. Spock?  
  
Lucentio: No.  
  
Trent: Spock?  
  
Lucentio: No sir.  
  
Trent: S-P-O-C-K?  
  
Lucentio: No, sir!  
  
Trent: Not even Dr. Spock?  
  
Lucentio: You colonials are so fascinating. Actually, I am Lucentio, son of Vincentio.   
I've come to Padua to study and-(sees Bianca walk by) Oh my…I…feel all funny. Huh,   
I'm in love!! No, wait, it's a stroke. (collapses)  
  
Tranio: (entering) Oh, bloody hell, not again!! He has this love condition. (body slams   
him; Lucentio wakes up).  
  
Lucentio: Oh Tranio, I'm in love!! Come, I must become a tutor and you must become   
me!!  
  
Tranio: Oh no, no, no, no don't, I refuse to! No, don't give me those sad puppy dog   
eyes….All right, I'll do it. (Shakespeare's scream is heard; he comes running on)  
  
Trent: Uh, Will, anything I can get you?  
  
Shakespeare: Any manner of weapon, sword, a nuclear weapon or even the Holy Hand   
Grenade!! That Kate is the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes   
on. I should have killed her character off, but I didn't!  
  
Trent: So, she is still a shrew?  
  
Shakespeare: No, she's that mutated rat from teenage mutant ninja turtles, Splinter. Of   
course she's a shrew!!!  
  
Trent: Calm down, you're acting like I shook you down for your entire Swiss bank   
account. Besides, she looks harmless and look, here are your two suitors coming to woo   
her now.  
  
Shakespeare: Look, that shrew's got a vicious streak a mile wide, she's a killer! I've got   
to stop them!  
  
Hortensio (entering): I say, quiet there onlooker. We're in the middle of wooing. Shoo.  
  
Shakespeare: Hey, I'm serious, she's got huge, sharp-- she can leap about-- look at the   
bones!  
  
Petruchio: What bones dear sirrah? What the hell is this, the catacombs?  
  
Hortensio: Ah, my dear Bianca, again we-  
  
(Katherine hisses and tackles Hortensio)  
  
Trent: Jesus Christ!  
  
Shakespeare: I warned you.  
  
Gremio: (entering) I warned you too! But did you listen to me? Oh, no, you knew it all,   
didn't you? Oh, she's just a harmless little shrew, isn't she? Well, it's always the same, I   
always-  
  
Hortensio: Shut up and get her, OFF!!!  
  
Shakespeare: But did they listen to us?  
  
Shakespeare and Gremio: No!!  
  
Baptista: Katherine, get off of him. Look, no one may wed Bianca until Katherine is wed.   
I have already made that clear.  
  
Petruchio: Well, than I'm the man for the job. I am Petruchio, son of Antonio, and came   
to Padua on short notice. I have come into some wealth lately, and I come to thrive and   
wive in Padua. Or is it wive and thrive…Anyway, I want to marry Kate.  
  
Baptista: Well, perhaps you should be the judge of that…  
  
Petruchio: (Looks at Kate. She tries to tackle him, but he gives her a judo chop). She's   
perfect, we'll be wed Sunday. (everyone but Trent and Shakespeare exit)  
  
Trent: Tell me, are all of your plays this dysfunctional?  
  
Shakespeare: As I was saying, the two were to be wed. And they were, despite a nearly   
grievous scandal, an incident so gruesome that we cannot even speak of it on public   
television!!  
  
Trent: The dawn of the Internet?  
  
Shakespeare: Cute Trent, but no. Petruchio was late, he was dressed horribly, and he   
smelled like a Tennesseean…Anyway, there's not much left to tell, after this…  
  
Petruchio: (dragging Kate in): Oh, after I tame you, I'm putting you on a diet. I can't   
work under these conditions. Ah, Grumio, bring me my wine!  
  
Grumio: I'm sorry master, but well, the rest of the cast partied while you were gone and,   
well, they drank everything.  
  
Petruchio: What! Even that Tokay my father was given while vacationing at the Imperial   
Palace in Germany?!  
  
Grumio: No, we still have it…I thought he sneaked in, along with that rouge Vincentio…  
  
Petruchio: Vincentio is not rouge. His son may be, but he's to be married to Kate's sister,   
so I've heard. Anyway, give that Tokay to me; We've got work to do…(they exit;   
Shakespeare and Trent enter)  
  
Trent: Tell me, what is really necessary to modernize the play? Did you really think your   
fans would accept that the taming of the shrew was due to the influence presented by the   
consumption of-  
  
Shakespeare: No, he used a Jedi mind trick. Of course I knew the risk of doing that. But it   
worked out…And so, after Vincentio had pardoned his son for deceiving him-  
  
Trent: Uh, when did this happen?  
  
Shakespeare: It happened out of the wild blue yonder. I'm giving small tidbits of the plot.   
Lucentio's father would never have agreed to the marriage, so they chose an   
impersonation.  
  
Trent: Next time, I'd hire a shapeshifter.  
  
Shakespeare: Oh hush up Trent! Anyway, here comes the reception.  
  
Trent: At Moe's Tavern?  
  
Shakespeare: Look, be quiet or do I have to recite a little ditty from Homer?  
  
Trent: Simpson?  
  
Shakespeare: No not Homer Simpson, Homer Homer. Look, just watch. They've   
proposed a bet as to whose wife will come forward.  
  
Petruchio: And so the wager stands at 4,000 crowns. Yet, none of your wives have come   
forth. Well, my Kate will. Grumio, fetch Kate! (She comes) Ah, you see!  
  
Trent: Yes, I see all right. Shock, shock that gambling is going on this establishment!  
  
Baptista: Oh, you're just mad because you missed my Italian bookie. Here, have some of   
my winnings.  
  
Trent: Oh, thank you…  
  
Shakespeare: Give me that! I can't survive on a playwright's salary, after all.  
  
Katherine: Quiet, I have a speech to make. I wish to only say that women should obey   
their husbands and life will be good for both. Thank you.  
  
Trent: That was the speech? It was dumb, it was stupid, it was pointless, it was-short…I   
loved it!!  
  
Baptista: But how did you tame my shrewish daughter?  
  
Petruchio: Well, it was not big deal. After all, my family is best known for its efforts in   
gallantly fighting and giving their lives to keep China British. Come Kate! (Two   
playwrights stay on stage)  
  
Trent: "To keep China British?" What were you thinking!? We are not racists, nor are we   
pigs, slobs, or communists. We're British!!  
  
Shakespeare: Yes, and this British playwright has decided to destroy this copy of The   
Taming of the Shrew; the original was a classic and should .  
  
Trent: Yes, good move. The British are always right!  
  
Shakespeare: Yes, and what better way to end tonight's edition of William Shakespeare's   
Flying Theater than to keep with its central message, that the British are everywhere!   
(hums the tune to The X-Files and both leave)  
  
The End 


End file.
